It started when I was a child. Always trying to do right so as to make sure no one was disappointed in me. Numerous occasions where I never threw tantrums at home for going on a school trip , just to make my parents happy , to make them feel I always listen to them even if I felt it was a safe trip.. or when my friends asked me for some help ( could be as silly as replying to casual mails at office ) when I am loaded with work, or when I had and wanted to do something else but I end up succumbing to others desires. All this was just to MAKE SURE NO ONE WAS DISAPPOINTED IN ME!!
Truth is that I never felt someone acknowledge my doings. Was it that they felt its “Normal” ME? …. What is “Normal” me actually..?? Someone who does not expect anything..? In the first place I expect nobody to feel unhappy about me.. Times taught me that its not possible to keep everyone happy or rather make everyone feel happy about me.. There has been numerous case where the closeness is CLOSED! Right.. relationships didn’t work for me because they felt I wasn’t the way they wanted me to be.. while all the while I had been trying to make exactly the opposite… to what they wanted me to….
Not much has changed except the massive number of people I can disappoint now. I try so very hard on a daily basis to say the right things and do the right things so that no one is unhappy with me. Most days, making a decision is left for someone else because my choice may inconvenience them. I try to point out the silver lining in everything so others can find some happiness, too. I try.
To be honest, it’s exhausting. And the trouble is, I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to not care. And what is worse than disappointing someone else? Well, nothing- but disappointing myself is a close second.
Come rain, floods or just seasons..
I can hear your heart’s summons..
As I look back into my past..
I can see lot of shadows cast..
And about everything else..
Swallowing every drop of those moments..
I wish nobody would ever lament..
For as I peer at my future..
It almost looks the same!